The Smell of Heaven

I'm a bit homesick tonight and emotional. I've been wandering off into memory lane, specifically my childhood, living in the same house as my parents, before my sisters got married, when we were one unit. It was when my life revolved around my mom's smile, eating dinner together, getting a hug from my dad, and fighting with my sisters over clothes. Most of all, I keep remembering the sound of the laughter and joys we shared. This was when life was simple.

What I miss the is the security of my family. Knowing that when I wake up in the morning I would see all their faces. Knowing that if I needed anything, they would provide it. Knowing that if I was lonely I would get a hug. Knowing that if I was sick I would be nurtured. Knowing that if I was sad my sisters would make me laugh. Knowing that if I was hungry my mom was already in the kitchen making me something YUM. Knowing that if I was ever in imminent danger my father would rescue me.

Now I'm older, not only are my immortal parents are suddenly older but so am I. How did that happen? I've realized the importance of life, love and time, not through my own experiences but through the years my parents have endured protecting and caring for us. Now their faces are a reflection of all those years....which as happy as they were, were still a struggle. It's not easy raising children and ensuring they are healthy and standing on their own two feet. In this day and age children aren't fully adults sometimes well into their 40s. For some reason our parents are forever worrying and forever taking care of us. Ane we are always aching for their protection and love.

I sometimes long for the smell of my moms perfume, the touch of her hands and the feeling of her cheek when I kiss her. My parents are the closest thing to God and the heavens above. A touch from either of them brings me a peace of mind that calms my heart and sustains my faith. A word from my father is a gift from God...he is my night and shining armor. He is the only man in my life that has never left me, never lied to me, never hurt me, never put conditions on his love and has done nothing but worry and give. Give give give.

I sometimes have a wave of guilt wash over me. The guilty feeling of "what have I done for them?" They are everything I live for...they are the air that I breath....they are my source of my life...my heart...my pulse. But now they're older and I should be giving those feelings back to them. Am i? Are those wonderful memories from my childhood repayable? Can i give them the same memories, the same feelings, the same love?

It should be my duty, my obligation but instead I'm still wrapped up in my own life, in my own confusion, in my own journey. I'm still trying to find my path.

If there is a life beyond the one we're living, I would only hope to be their daughter again. I am grateful that out of the billions of people on earth I was blessed to be born to them. I wouldn't change a thing. My mind, body, and soul will forever be theirs.

Note: For anyone who thinks I'm overly emotional, it should be mentioned that I've lived overseas for almost 8 years. I would see them every month if it wasn't for the extremely expensive 19 hour flight and 9 hour time difference in-between us.